Full text from The Offense Daily, published Saturday, July 25, 2020:
Häagen-Dazs rebrands after online sensitivity petition
Häagen-Dazs responded to an online petition calling for the removal of “racist and culturally insensitive” packaging by agreeing to rename its line of ice cream products.
According to Giuseppe Kumar, a high school student who created a petition on change.org, “the name Häagen-Dazs is offensive to people with a vaguely Scandinavianish heritage; it perpetuates harmful stereotypes of umlautishness and digraphery.”
This newspaper was unable to locate any vaguely-Scandinavianish person who was offended by the name “Häagen-Dazs” for quotes. [ED: This is in keeping with our fact-checking department’s recent failure to find any Mexican American who knew they were supposed to be offended by “Trader José”. To prevent recurrence of such insensitive failures in the future we are firing the fact-checking staff. They will not be replaced.]
Says the company, “We have formed a committee to generate a safe name. We’re now test-marketing “High Density” or “Frusen Glädjé”.